Sleepless...

It doesn't take much to throw me off balance, so when the news came that our friend, Dan, had passed away I was in shock.  I showed my brother the phone, and passed it on to another friend.  Lacrosse practice was just coming to an end and so the word travelled fast around the group.  We were all in shock...we spoke for just a few minutes about the tragedy, and then slipped into conversations unrelated...but there it was, looming.  Most guys snuck off to home, while a few lingered...by the time I got home the messages were flying back and forth, and the weight of what had just happened was sinking in.  Before the evening had turned into night I was randomly moved to wet eyes on a dozen occasions.  I bathed our girls, and felt lucky.  I answered a few messages while June put Maggie down, and helped Zoey brush her teeth.  I told her I'd be right there to read Zoey to sleep.

Every night we read.  We used to read the short picture books that are geared towards a rapidly developing comprehension and word recognition, but could be up half the night. At one point, a long time ago, we began reading chapter books.  Zoey loved them, and a chapter was enough to illicit snores.  This time there were no snores, only wide eyes, and after one chapter, and then another, Zoey sat up in bed and asked me if I would stay with her.  If I would lay down.  I did.  We closed our eyes and tried to sleep, together, and she stroked my hair, and played with the features of my face, until many hours later I woke, and there she was, asleep directly beside me.

The privilege wasn't lost on me, and it might take a few days for things to really sink in.  I can't believe how much it's affecting me.  June as well.  Maybe Zoey knows.  She hears just about everything, and sees even more.  It wouldn't be a surprise.  She's never once ushered me to sleep, but last night she was quick to do just that.  Maybe she did know that something was amiss?  Regardless, I needed that attention, without even knowing that I did.

That's the kind of mark you left Dan...and just like you to sneak up on someone...the loudest guy in the room and I never expected your company.  I've never not been able to sleep in my life, and now...