The Zoey Blog: A Long Overdue Blog Post in Which We Talk About Fear and Other Awesome Things FINAL - COVER UNIVERSE EXPLORERS ORDER

Saturday, October 5, 2013

A Long Overdue Blog Post in Which We Talk About Fear and Other Awesome Things

It's been awhile since I've scribbled any little thing down here, and that's okay...I mean, I apologize to everyone who drops by from time to time, but it's okay because I've been doing things worthy of blogging...frightening things...things I'mnot so sure of...things that leave me feeling full and empty at the same time...things that scare me to bits.

I like fear. I'll tell you why. It's better than a back porch light in terms of illuminating the darkness. It tells you a lot about yourself...your values, your priorities, your hopes and reveals your true self.  I'm scared to death to do half of the things that I do, and still I do them.  Every day is an exercise in overcoming fear and anxiety...every day, but what I've learned of late is that it's been a long time since I let my knees knock outside of work.  Somehow I had fallen far from fear, or rather I was doing more hiding than confronting. Oh, I was still scared, I was just shivering under my pillow rather than getting up and turning on the light. Have you ever been there...ever done that?  It can eat up years...lifetimes if you're not careful.

I remember a time when I was a kid when I would hide my head under the sheets every time I suspected something unnatural was up and about in my room, and then one night I simply mustered up some strength and ripped the sheets back and stood up to face whatever ghost or demon had crowded my darkest hours.  I was a landmark moment.  I learned that hiding does you no good unless  it's from Nazis or Slave catchers...unless your fear is actual living, breathing evil incarnate. Everything else is conquerable.  It was an important lesson, maybe THE most important lesson.

Fast forward thirty-five years and I'd somehow forgotten how good it felt to simply rip the covers back and confront whatever it was that I was hiding from. For me it was what I was capable of...or perhaps some people's versions of success.  There was once a time when I chased every shadow in hopes of finding the sun, but then something happened to keep me inside, away from both blue and grey skies,  safe from harm, and disappointment.  I can tell you what it was, but won't.  That's for another post entirely.  All I know is that I once shined bright, I was an inexhaustible light, and then as suddenly as it was strange, I was happy just to glow.  Then, over the last few months I've felt a lot like that night when I ripped the covers away and stood up to face the darkness, wearing only flannel pyjamas and courage.  I feel the warmth of the sun again, and am neither scared of getting burned, or fearful of the return of the dark.  Like Sean Astin once said before Rudy ruined him, "this is our time." He was right.

It always is you know? Always.  Now is it. It's all we've got. You can't wait.  So as this oddly shaped business venture finds it's quiet way, each step into the light feels a lot like a version of me That I left standing in a crowded Boys and Girls Club meeting room somewhere a long time ago...and that guy was unstoppable. This guy would like that guy a lot, I fact, they're awfully close to being one and the same.

After all these years I've figured it's all about fear...where it came from, how it manifests itself, why we give it a comfy place to reside, how it was nurtured and just what it eats to stay's about fear and I can tell you straight from my heart, it defines us...all of us.  It's why you don't go to the doctor, and why you don't chase that dream...why you don't say what needs to be said, and why you regret, and wish, and feel not good enough.  I'll stand up and tell you that it can be exactly what you need to live the way that you should, but only if you're willing to confront it...only if you're willing to rip the covers off of your quivering body and stand up to whatever's there in your bedroom, or more realistically, whatever you imagine to be there.  Be brave. Fight back. Stand up. Don't hide.

Fear isn't what defines us after all, it's how we respond to it.  I got tired of hiding this summer. It had been years... and ever since I tore the sheets back I've had no time for worrying, for doubting...for blogging even. I've been too busy feeling like the kind of person that I want you to believe that I am... too busy getting back to being me.  It feels good, and yes, I'm still scared, but not so scared that I can't stand up and face the world in only my PJs.


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