Parenting Lessons 101 - What Two Daughters Can & Will Inevitably Teach You

1. I don't like crying.  I didn't like crying the first time I experienced it.  I still don't like crying.

2. Holding a baby when you have shoulder & upper back issues is no way to fix shoulder & upper back issues.

3. As soon as you lay down, she'll wake up.

4. There's no end to feeling like a jerk when your wife breast feeds, can't pump, and it's 3am. No end.

5. Two aren't harder than one necessarily, just different than one.

6. The second time around I don't panic at fevers. Oh, I still freak out a little, but I don't lose my $#!%.

7. Two small children translates into you losing the urge to shower quite as much.

8. Those Moms and their husbands that my wife meets at the library and play groups etc... they're not all nuts. Some of them are pretty awesome.

9. My daughter likes to poop, puke, and drool almost exclusively on her Mom, not me, which is cool.

10.  I actually CAN cook, which is enlightening to say the least.

11. Concerts get way harder to go to.

12. Who cares if they're the #1 ranked basketball team in the nation. I'm probably bringing a 4 year old.

13. Three pages of Harry Potter each night before bed is enough to do me in.

14.  It's not hard to jump on a stationary bike & pound out miles each night. Fat Dad's have no excuse.

15. Daughter #1 starts to really dig you, which is good 'cause #2 is still figuring the breastless you out.

16. I can blog from the toilet...like right now. It's so much more quiet in here.

17. Never get excited about quiet coffee filled mornings regardless of how early you wake up. Someone will hear you and come join the fun.

18. Everything is messy, all the time...Everything...ALL the time.

19. Drinking isn't as fun as it used to be...in fact, it sounds like a horrible idea.  The morning will bring regret. Tell your liver right now. You don't want any part of that horror.

20. Hotel rooms aren't really an option anymore...suites, maybe..apartment rentals, yes.

21. Going to California costs a lot more when there's one more seat on the airplane to pay for.

22. Different cries mean different things, so Mom assures me, and I believe her.  However, refer to #1

23.  I am not a woman, nor do I possess whatever it is that they possess that keeps them from insanity.

24.  Wait...I'm going to worry about choking and falling, and losing a small human all over again?

25. Did I mention how thrillingly quiet and responsibility free the bathroom is?  I did didn't I?

26. Bathroom doors being shut means jack.

27. Wild Kratts is a pretty great show.

28. Chapter books really broaden your child's vocabulary, and put them to sleep aces.

29. Washing dishes every once in awhile isn't housework, it's a muted way of saying "I love you."

30.  You can wear the same clothes to work every day provided you're going to different places.

31. I think I can still play lacrosse...well, I thought I could.

32. If it's not my kid I don't really care.

33. Go to bed when your body tells you.  Jimmy Kimmel really isn't all that important.

34. Why the #$%& are we paying for Netflix? Oh, that's right. My Little Pony.

35. The first one turned out really good, what if this one sucks?

36. Dad will always carry the most stuff in from the car, pack the suitcases in the car, and probably wake up the baby doing so.

37.  Any amazing tricks that Dad figures out way ahead of the game, will inevitably be overlooked and blend into the chaos of the moment.  For example: untying your shoes in the car, before you get out to carry your sleeping child into the house and up the carpeted stairs to bed.  Easy off.

38.  Regardless of such ingenuity, it will still be your sole responsibility to replace the carpet someday.

39.  Make as few dishes as possible...eat off of paper towels...there will still be dishes, and you will still feel bad that you aren't washing them.

40. Your wife, in her hectic juggling of all things child and home related, will inevitably revert back to a state of college roommate-like priorities when it comes to shutting cupboard doors, finishing glasses full of random beverages, and throwing things in the trash that are three inches from the trash.  It's not her fault. Babies are crying, someone just threw up, and she hasn't showered in three days.  Still, expect Tom Kachan from freshman year to reappear in your home, only now you sleep with him.

41. For the first time in your life you will not be the one who forgets to replace the toilet paper roll.

42. You will be excited about overdue poops...not your own.

43.  Bath time is the most fun you have all day, every day, and that's not a depressing thing.

44. You can type surpisingly fast with one hand.

45. Whatever baby #1 taught you, yeah, forget it.

46. You will be clueless at times and in those moments it won't be worth your time to make sense of them.

47. Unless you pee on that hydrant, it isn't yours.

48. The approximate time it takes for 5pm to turn into 9:30pm is twenty minutes.

49. Two daughters does not translate to better hair brushing, braiding, styling skills.

50. Blogging helps.