Sunday, November 4, 2012

Solemn Sundays...

And now the house is cold more than it isn't. Just like that. And in a blink Murray Arthur Cooper is gone...days ago now, but what could I write? It happened so fast. They say snow tonight, and before we know it the calendar will say December. It's the harshest of truths that time flies...that life goes on. Maybe there's nothing quite as harsh. Joan Dideon once wrote, "you sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends." Sometimes I'm not so sure how very good I am with change. Just yesterday I was a child, and now I have two of my own. There once was a time when my Uncle Murray was a superhero, and now his family is doing their solemn best to leap the tallest building yet...using a broken compass to find a true North that isn't there. My God, Maggie will be three months old in two weeks. Things are moving so fast that I'm dizzy. I'm sitting in the soft lamp light of the basement, freezing, when it strikes me that all I want to be right now is warm. I want the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want the warmth of good fortune and company all around me. I want the warmth of certainty and stability to fend off the cold of change. I could use some palm trees. I could use some happy people. So many people that I know are struggling, and I'm like a sponge for that stuff. It sticks to me like a soft summer sweat and it throws me far off orbit. I need the people I love to be okay, and when they're not, I'm not. Some blue skies would be nice this week. The change would be nice. Just yesterday Zoey was a baby, and we were wide eyed parents. Today I rested on the couch with a sleeping infant on my chest. I practiced a new kind of meditation, counting the tiny whistles as Maggie inhaled deeply and clutched my wrinkled t-shirt. My eyes were occasionally moist with an overwhelming emotion, one I'd rather disappear with all these grey clouds. Oh, I'm okay, just still feeling sick, and sick for me means melancholy. This has been a year full of physical failures, or so it seems. It's up to me to change that, and so as time flies by my diet changes, and my body finds it's purpose more and more. I won 't feel like this forever but for now, freezing cold basements, and self-indulgent emotional examinations will fill the void of really feeling good. There's a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and maybe some answers. I want the light headed ness to fade, and the occasional nausea to dissipate, and I want blue skies and time to stand still. It won't, but wouldn't that be nice?


Blogger M. said...

I am so very sorry to hear this. The Cowgerelli's send all of their love. Especially Elle Camino - the extra squishy kind.

November 4, 2012 at 8:59 PM  

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