Wednesday, October 24, 2012

It just is...

Ikea parking

I said that twice today...once to a kid who was desperate for answers that weren't coming, and never would...and then again to a teacher who asked about the tattoos on my arm, a quizzical, "why?" sort of query that I answered abruptly.

It just is...sometimes things just are...there are things in this life that if you're lucky, you just embrace, and let happen, and accept.

It just is.

You know what I've accepted?  I like going to Ikea.  I'm on many occasions overly prepared. I get angry quickly.  I have an unrealistic insistence on things being fair.  I'll just go with it rather than fight you if it doesn't seem worth it.  I like pop music. I used to be one thing and now I probably seem like I'm another.  I don't give a damn what some people think, and I don't care if they know. I'm a starter, not a finisher. I can be selfish. I get terribly, embarrassingly grumpy when I'm tired.  I don't like to eat leftovers or defrost things.  I hate being late.  I rarely nap. I have silly romantic notions and awkward excitable moments. I rarely do the dishes. I own too many hats.  I should exercise more. I should probably take better care of myself.  I need to write things down.  I need to take the time to find balance in my breathe.  I will do a lot for someone if they ask me to.  I have adult make authority figure issues.  I know exactly who I am and what I want, and it's not what other people want for me.  I don't give a shit about the job title.  Raising these two girls is all that really matters to me.  I have values and ideals that many people would scoff at.  I spent an enormous portion of my life with people I didn't give a shit about. I do want you to notice the effort.  I work alone. Sometimes I just wanna fight. If everyone is doing it, I no longer want to. I don't embed myself in my own here and now as often as I could, or should. I don't deal with conflict, contradiction, or challenge very gracefully...I push back. I don't think like most of the guys I know.  I'm not always the most accessible, but I'm never much of a mystery. The people I like, I really like.  The tattoos feel right.  No one will ever dress me.  I don't like airplanes. In hindsight, the sunglasses were a great decision. There are things that I really owe it to myself to get to. If I say I'm gonna do something, I might actually do it...maybe.  I can be obsessive, and impulsive. I don't go to bed early enough. I can be blunt. I'd rather just move on. I probably won't come to your funeral. I can't stand a crying baby. I get offended if you even as much as hint at something I already knew. I don't like to be compared to anything.  I've waited for a lot of things to come to me.  I probably should have tried harder. I believe that what I do every day trumps what you do, and I think that it's important that I think that way, after all, they're your kids. Sports aren't what we've made them. I'm not a nice drunk guy after a certain point. By the end of the day my patience is nearing empty.  I believe that the fastest way to make a presumptuous asshole is to give him a piece of paper in a frame. Dirty hands and humility are the only way to do things. I turn into a frustrated, impossibly angry man in the kitchen.  If all I want is something simple, I'd better get it.  I probably won't help you with that manual labor task you are thinking about asking me to help with. I wouldn't ask you. Don't waste my time. There are friendships I wish I'd have cultivated 'cause I think they'd have changed my life. Grown ups screw up kids.  We're all the same.  It's a crooked, selfish, ignorant world. I don't do the things that would make me the happiest.  I worry too much.  I cry too easily.  I'm so frustrated by so many men.  I turn into an angry ass with tools in my hand. I want you to treat me the way I would treat you.  Don't talk to me about money.  Do your job, that's all I ask.  Pay attention or your kid will meet me.  It bothers me that some friends will dismiss fifteen years of doing the kind of work that I do, and argue a belief.  Two kids doesn't make you an expert. No one is an expert. The only thing that I know for sure is that I don't know, and that means that I maybe understand. I'm more than happy to let you think you've got me pegged.  I won't kiss your ass. Oh, I'll work hard to be nice, and to extend an interest, to include you, but I won't kiss your ass.  Don't tell me how to do something. I'll take your help, but don't tell me how to do it.  I have no tolerance for people who have reached ages where self-awareness should be inherent, but isn't.  Be nice.  I can cross lines really quick if you push me in those directions. I don't articulate things very well when I speak.  I write better.  Sometimes you have to put friendship right in my lap. There are four of us in this family and three of the four are more important than everyone else in my life. Sorry.  Sometimes I don't really feel sorry.


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