Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day 2 of Stupid Game

Here it is Day 2 of this nonsense and it’s still a really stupid game, but I’m still okay with stupid. 

Hopefully you realize by now that you’re participating in my 2012 Facebook Elimination Death Match Tournament in which one by one in head to head competition my Facebook friends are being deleted.  If you don’t realize that, or if you haven’t checked your Facebook in awhile, well then you might be surprised.  Match ups were made by a random computer generator, and winners move on while losers are deleted (to be added again later, so there really aren’t any losers).  You don’t have to do anything.  The match-ups are decided by everything from the history of our friendship to shared experiences to frequency of contact etc…No one is safe…

The entire bracket can be found at:

Here are the Official First Round results from Day 2…

June Partridge vs. Kate Schofield-Ferichs

June really should have been excluded from the bracket ‘cause she’s stomping necks everywhere.  Kate never had a chance.  Against a lot of other opponents Kate advances easily, but not this one.  It’s like Kentucky playing in your high school gym…not fair.

Winner – June Partridge

Trevor Johnson vs. Stacie Campbell

Trevor might be one of the best guys I’ve ever worked with or for, but Stacie has a lot of  history on her side.  At first glance it was a tough match-up, a little back and forth, but then Stacie went on a huge run, shutting Trev down in giant stretches…until she didn’t.  With a flurry of late threes, and a stifling D, Trevor knocks Stacie from her pedestal.

Winner – Trevor

Dave Marr vs. Matt McCarthy

Despite his uber-kindness, and his random (and typically great) musical referrals, it’d be tough for Dave to unseat Matt.  I once saw Matt elude concert security guards for over an hour just to steal an inflatable ball.  He even changed his clothes in the effort.  Matty is, perhaps the funniest man I know…versus Dave, just a flat out good guy. Toss up, but in the end Dave out sprints Matt in the race for the victory.  It’s a pointless, stupid victory, but still a victory no less.

Winner – Dave Marr

Al Sutherland vs. Pam Crete

I once sat in a girls washroom with Pam coaxing a young girl spinning out of control back into the real world.  The girl wasn’t beyond hurting herself and had brought a sharpened pencil into the stall with her, so Pam had my back while I begged, manipulated, and reasoned the girl out.  Al’s my cousin, and a very cool guy, but that’s hard to beat. 

Winner – Pam Crete

Erica Ward-Vilon vs. Ian Partridge

Ouch Erica, you just ran into a half-Japanese bush pilot buzz saw.  Up ending Ian will take a Rose Bowl-like  performance…not a  Michigan Rose Bowl-like performance either, but more like a Vince Young and Texas Rose Bowl-like performance.  Erica never had a chance.

Winner – Ian

Ben Wilding – Danielle Japp-Teeter

I see these two trading punches until someone cries and I think that someone might be Ben.  I’ve known D-Jap since high school.  She married one of my best friends, and a guy normally hates losing his best friends but not this time.  He was in good hands.  Benny, you’re an RCMP officer and everything, but I think you just got smacked down all over by a girl who runs a day care.

Winner – Danielle Japp-Teeter

Betz Simon-Feldman vs. Tracey Taylor

Jewish Mom wins…period.  Plus we love her.

Winner – Betz

Kim Van Daele vs. Shannon Wilkins

This is very likely the MAC game that no one is watching but that ends up being just as good as any game on Saturday.  Kim…cool, kind, funny.  Shannon…known him forever, bt of a freak…in a good way.  He drinks a lot and own guns.  It’s a close one, but only on paper.  Down on the field everyone knows what’s up.

Winner – Shannon.

Kevin Bergquist vs. Kim Bewsky

This game got ugly quick.  Not only does Kevin frightfully dismantle Kim, but he does so without shame or mercy.  You have to turn the channel on this one, and it’s just not fair ‘cause Kim is really an amazing woman, but not many people bring a big enough cup for this keg.  Chug-a-lug…the kid from Peoria wins.

Winner – Kevin Bergquist

Jenn Sutherland vs. Stacey Maskell Cooper

Stacey enters the arena with no idea about who she’s playing…no scouting report, no film, nothing, and it shows.  Sutherland is a bullet train of awesome, picking up speed, and dropping passengers off on the fly.  I don’t even know what that means, but she’s good, really good.  Stacey’s got game too though, and there’s a lot of bend but no break in the little Penetangmachine that could.  In the end it’s one of those games no one should lose, but someone just did…

Winner – Jenn Sutherland

Caitlin Bestard vs. Tammy Dubuque

Caitlin calls me “DeWagner” or “Bri” and coming from her it’s just deliriously endearing.  Tammy however might be the kindest soul on planet earth.  Tough one, but Caitlin has the chops to make a deep run in this Tourney if she gets the right match ups.

Winner – Caitlin

Meredith Byers vs. Sabi Ahluwalia

Sabi was one of my best friends in early elementary school, but who are we kidding, what the hell does that mean when you’re paired up with a South Sider, and Ian Partridge’s better-be future wife?  It means you’re gonna get run over, and not just regular run over, but like Frank Thomas flattening a six year old blocking the plate kinda run over.  The girl from South Chicago has some serious momentum.  My daughter lovingly calls her “Merediss” and who can beat that? 

Winner - Meredith

Bill Garnet vs. Mark Nossiter

So, we’re talking about my brand new Brother-In-Law versus a guy who has literally kept the police from arresting me after a lacrosse game.  No contest.

Winner – Bill Garnet

Kaylen Denning vs. Dawn Hassen

It’s probably some of the best advice you’ll ever get.  Don’t #$%! with Kaylen Denning.

Winner – Kaylen Denning

Tia Tremblay vs. Lindsay Sutherland

Always super nice vs. always super nice…but Lindsay’s a friggin’ Doctor who used to have dreads and who’s also married to my cousin so she wins.  Should have had dreads Tia.

Winner – Lindsay

Mary Ann Sterling vs. Jill Jaruga

Jill has always been super cool to me, but Mary Ann was reading and commenting on the blog back when her comments were just as valuable as the contents.  She’s one of the best people I know, and although Jill has got game, it’s not enough game to knock Mary Ann off.

Winner – Mary Ann

Tim Cooper vs. Jamie Begley

I like Tim, but Jamie would NEVER let me forget it if he lost in the first round.  Tim might not either but I can very likely distract Tim with stadium beers.  Jamie would just take the stadium beer and keep yipping.

Winner – Jamie Begley

Brian Lee vs. Bob Yule

I knew Bob back in high school, and he’s always been just a decent dude, in addition to being a serious Tigers fan, but Brian lives in Hollywood and goes to Lakers games.  Jesus.  That’s kinda awesome.

Winner – Brian Lee

Jay Sutherland vs. Sue Vershum

Jay is my cousin, but also my buddy, and he’s a loyal, sturdy dude…period.  Sue once offered to give me a job on her farm so I could stay in the country, that’s how nice she is, and whenever I would randomly stop to say hi on a game night, she would almost always ask if I wanted tickets, even when I wasn’t looking for them.  Sue’s always been oh-so awesome to me, and Jay will still be my cousin when Facebook someday implodes.  So…

Winner – Sue Vershum

Anette Nossiter vs. Jane Cooper

I just added Jane and it’s gonna be a bummer to tell her that she’s been eliminated.  Jane is a good friend of mine’s Mom and part of the coolest parenting duo in the universe, but Anette has a fish named after her.  Aunt Netta World peace wouldn’t sport such a nifty title were in not for my precocious sister-in-law.  Edge Anette.

Winner – Anette

Aimee Saling-Bergquist vs. Jackie Jeffs

Just like her husband did, Aimee opened the Tourney dropping bombs on innocent, and unsuspecting civilians…like Jackie.  This is Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder in the lineup versus Bobby Higginson and Brandon Inge.  They’re all Major Leaguers but…well, you know the result. 

Winner – Aimee

Gerry Partridge vs. Denise Hart

The rule is that if the Mother-In-Law doesn’t advance the Father-In-Law should, but Denise makes that tough.  The edge might be that I don’t know exactly how much Gerry gives a $#%! about Facebook.  In that case, I’ll just take face to face conversations on the dock.  Denise wins because she’s pretty cool, and also because Gerry couldn’t care less about this nonsense.

Winner – Denise Hart

Paul and Jody Dickinson vs. Amanda Willgren

Kinda not fair considering it’s two on one, but even as individuals, Paul and Jody are awesome enough to knock off most serious contenders.  Amanda was easily one of the coolest staff at the youth drop-in centre that I worked at…and when you’re a girl working in that kind of environment, a street-involved youth centre, you’ve got coolness oozing out of your pores.  Still, not enough to bounce two of my favorite people.

Winner – Paul & Jody Dickinson

Anne Crowe McNaughton vs. Tracy Little

Tracy Little is my own little Mohammed Ali.  She’s equal parts intriguing and dangerous, but Anne is flat out just awesome, and without question one of my most favorite people around, and that’s not token flattery, she just is.  In almost any other match up Tracy crushes her opponent, but not this one.  Anne wins on sweetness alone.

Winner – Anne

Adam Finley vs Pete Johnston

This one’s like two monkey’s fighting under a blanket in a dark room.  In the end Pete comes out from underneath with patches of hair missing, a bloody lip, and totally disoriented.  Adam never comes out.

Winner – Pete

Emily Durnin vs Gene Faust

Diminutive little Tiger fan, Emily, packs a wallop of coolness so hard that the larger Nebraskan, Gene, can’t come out of his corner for the next round.  It’s a TKO for Emily.

Winner – Emily Durnin

Randy Steinman vs. Steve Davidson

Steve is a filthy animal.  I’m not joking.  A filthy, filthy, ravenous, wild animal…who likes the Patriots and BBQ ribs almost equally.  Randy is a good buddy, and the only friend I have with the curse word “f#%king” typically used right before his name.  In the end, Steve’s too much for Randy to manage.  Steve is too much for most people to manage.

Winner – Steve

Robin Donahue vs. Linds Peters

Linds is without question one of the best people I know, and we knew it ever since she was 13 years old.  Robin is equally cool, and a die hard blog follower that can also whack a triple into the gap when called upon.  I’m not so sure about Linds’ bat speed.  I don’t even know where Linds lives and works these days?  Robin, with a walk off home run to end it.

Winner – Robin

Scotty Campbell vs. Kevin Thornton

Scotty kills things with big guns.  He rides a motorcycle.  He welds things that are underwater.  He is covered in tattoos.  Kevin used to be a Registered Massage Therapist, and a Butcher.

Winner – Scotty

Holly Imrie vs. Carole Varin

We all love Holly.  Done.  Carole needed a different match up ‘cause it wasn’t even fair.

Winner – Holly

Beth Lyons (Skinner) vs. Val Brisson

Ok, so Val helped Zoey to poop when she was a baby, when nothing else worked.  Val essentially saved our friggin’ lives.  We’d have fully buggered that operation ourselves, I think.  Val has also stayed a good friend.  It’s not often that midwife turns into lifelong friend, but that the case here.  Beth, however, has been quite possibly the BIGGEST follower of all things Zoey since before the little girl was even breathing oxygen.  She’s kind and sweet, and super thoughtful.  She’s tried on two occasions to get us all together to no avail, and she’s got history.  June and I met that same summer that we both met Beth.  It’s a back and forth battle to start, but as the match roars forward Beth starts to distance herself.  In the end it’s a wholloping.

Winner – Beth

Serree Gougeon-Wainman vs. Lynda Soares

Can you score 14 touchdowns on your first possession?  If so, Serree just did.  It’s hard to get up off the mat when you don’t even know what just hit you.  Lynda won’t be able to see sunlight or spell her name for weeks.  Zoey doesn’t have a Godmother but if we were choosing it just might be Serree.

Winner – Serree

Heather Cooper-Doering vs. Tylene Neary

First, I wouldn’t want to find myself in a death match of any kind with Heather Cooper-Doering.  Second, Tylene is much to awesome to lose this…but she does.  Heather is a frikkin’ buzz saw.

Winner – Heather Cooper-Doering

Nikki Dobbelaer vs. Scott Cooper

I once almost killed Scott with a rolling tire…the night before his wedding. 

Winner – Scott Cooper

Stu McNaughton vs. Stacey Ross

I was once nearly decapitated in the back of a pick-up truck that would eventually destroy a large portion of Stu’s father’s bean field…and his father still talks to me, and more importantly, I wasn’t decapitated.  Stu’s been with me for most of the really, really stupid things I’ve done.  Stacey hasn’t, but given the chance…

Winner – Stu McNaughton

Kelly Wellman vs. Mike VanDevenne

Kelly Wellman, quite possibly the cutest person alive, is a Zoey favorite and so if I eliminate her, I have to somehow break the news to my daughter, who still wears the bead necklace that Kelly gave her over a year ago.  This is a one punch embarrassment for Mike.

Winner – Kelly Wellman.

Dustin “D-Funk” Wellman vs. Max Cryderman

The grizzly bear that Max is versus the ornery Badger that Dustin is, just might be the most entertaining of match-ups if only because Dustin would typically slaughter every opponent, but Max just flat out refuses to lose.  If I won the lottery and moved away I’d very likely drag Dustin and his wife, Kelly, with us.  They’d be our neighbors in San Clemente, CA…Max would make a fortune doing nothing but running my t-shirt business based out of the San Fernando Valley.  That means I surf with Dustin every morning but take long, pointless phone messages from Max.

Winner – Dustin

Jade Cooper vs. Virginia Tanton
I’d sell tickets to this death match so that we could all watch these two girls dismantle each other like two Chinese fighting fish in the same bowl.  When it’s all said and done, Jade floats to the top, and in the world of fighting fish, that’s bad.

Winner – Virginia Tanton

Bruce Madej vs. Maggie McCoy

Bruce looms large like Godzilla, and Maggie, well, little Oklahoma Maggie might closer resemble a running, screaming Japanese speed bump in this match-up.  Bruce is a big deal to me. 

Winner – Bruce

Tara Preston vs. Andrew Bain

Andrew sold us our house, and Zoey loves him.  Tara used to hand me field passes at Michigan Stadium and tell me not to get in trouble.

Winner – Tara

Michelle O’Keefe vs. Kerry Bishop

Michelle O’Keefe is Zoeys BFF and Kerry is my cousin.  Zoey typically trumps Daddy.

Winner – Michelle

Karli Petit vs. Melinda Grineage

Karli is a stone cold killer.  Melinda is not.  Stone cold killers don’t lose to people who are not.

Winner – Karli

Kristin Verhaeghe vs. Joe Carron

Ever watch two preying mantis’ fight?  Me neither, so I don’t know why I even made that reference, but in this scenario Kristin wins, but only after Joe rips two of her legs off.  I don’t know what that means either.  Either way it’s an ugly fight.

Winner - Kristin

John Teeter vs. Joe Cebulski

The only “ski” I know is heavy competition for my oldest best friend, Johnny Teetantric, but what seems like a good match is not even a close one as John, and his parent’s grey van, has provided me with well over half of my best memories. 

Winner – John

Ally Cooper vs. Dana Brushette

In this scenario Ally is Woodward and Bernstein and Dana is Richard Nixon.  The reference is meaningless but it sounded kinda awesome.  Ally destroys Dana.

Winner – Ally

Mike Wainman vs. Arvin Kim

Cover Barry Bonds in a burlap sack and then stand him the batter’s box with Major League pitchers hurling big fat heaters at his shiny, oversized head.  That’s Mike in this match up.  Arvin is like Prince Fielder taking batting practice in a Kindergarten classroom.  Somebody’s gotta clean up the glass while Barry struggles to free himself.  I don’t know what than means.

Winner – Arvin.

Marcy Bennett vs. John Paul

John Paul was Lacrosse Magazine’s Man of The Year last year.  Marcy was a classmate in high school.  Kind of a cross check to the face.

Winner – John Paul

Luke Doering vs. Russ Croft

If all that sh!t that happened in the movie Red Dawn were actually really happening right now, I’d want to escape to the mountains with Luke Doering.  We’d probably sacrifice Croft to the Russians to make our escape.  In this case scenario, Luke replaces Patrick Swayze ‘cause I just can’t handle escaping to the mountains with super bossy Patrick Swayze.  How ‘bout YOU drink the deer’s blood, Patrick!  Bossy motherf@#$%&r

Winner – Luke

JP Fox vs. Emily Wallace

JPs a big dude, but Emily is like an arrow shot out of nowhere.  Good luck finding a doctor to remove an arrow these days JP.

Winner – Emily

Helen Johnson-Harding vs. Dennis and Mary Cooper

Helen does a pretty good job fighting off Dennis & Mary, but in the end it’s hard to keep fighting with two smashed fists.  You can only land so many punches that don’t do anything.  Helen sags to the floor as Denny and Mary crack a cold one to victory.

Winner – Dennis and Mary Cooper

Mel Cowger vs. Krsity Bishop

Poor Kristy.  Mel is like all the Marvel Comics Superheroes wrapped into one foodcentric Brooklynite super Mom, and you’re the Brown Hornet. 

Winner – Mel

Chantelle Finley vs. Sheri Tonkin-Cooper

Chantelle woodburns her initials into Sheri’s forehead, then sells a photo of it on Etsy.

Winner – Chantelle

Mike White vs. Mike Cooper

Mike White eats other Mikes for protein.

Winner – Mike White

Merle Dyce vs. Ben So

Ben has won Olympic Medals, but Merle has some seriously offensive stories.

Winner – Merle

Stacey Andres vs. Lori Hooper

Hoop backs over a very funny Stacey without even checking her mirrors.  She claims it was an accident but…

Winner – Hoop

Nadine Harrison vs. Colin Wallace

There may never have been more trash talking ever in the history of Facebook Death Matches, which admittedly, is pretty short.  It’s a back and forth affair until Nadine lays a well timed elbow in Colin’s left orbital cavity, smashing his hopes of ever making the Canadian skeet shooting team, or advancing in this tournament.  She’s super nice, and sweet, but mean as #$%k.

Winner – Nadine

Mel Wayland vs. Sonya Fink

The match ups get nasty in this part of the bracket, and this is no exception.  Both Mel and Sonya rank in my Top 10 for cool girls, and both invariably make me smile…but Mel also makes me bleed.

Winner – Mel

Reece DeWagner vs. Doug Frost

How does my nephew lose to Dougie Frostbite?  He doesn’t.

Winner – Reece

Avery DeWagner vs. Keith Welch

How does my niece, one of the best things to happen to us in forever, lose to Keith Welch.  Actually quite easily because Keith Welch is in the running for best man alive.  Given that same lottery winning scenario, Keith gets hauled to San Clemente, CA too.  Avery however is young and impressionable.  It’s the toughest call of my life, but…

Winner – Avery

Andrew Cooper vs. Steph Walker VanCoillie

Coop wins without even taking the field.  His reputation alone melts Stephanie. It’s horrible to watch.

Winner –Andrew

Kevin Vandendoole vs. Tommy VanDeVelde

Take Tom Brady and Joe Montana and chuck them into a cage with only broken bottles and machetes to use as weapons and watch the two of them hack each other up until the only thing left is a lone hand reaching for the sky clutching a machete…with Superbowl rings on all four of the remaining fingers.

Winner – Kevin Vandendoole

Jim Trachar Jr. vs Juneau Robbins

JT makes the best tailgate tri tips ever, and he sits on press row at every Michigan basketball game, but Juneau is a #$%damned Doctor with a nasty baseline jump shot.

Winner – Juneau

Jimmy Young vs. Houda

Jimmy “Why Not” Young waves the smoke from his face, flips his BBQ ribs, takes a swig from his Bud Light, and slaps Houda around like he was a Bills Superbowl team…all with a soundtrack of Ben Harper.

Winner – Jimmy Young

Erin Roxworthy vs. Dan Lalonde

Sure, Dan is in the Navy, but Erin is a Bears fan.

Winner – Erin


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home