Thursday, September 6, 2012

Another Round Down...

And another round is down in the Facebook Elimination Death Match Tournament...and it's still the dumbest thing I've ever done.

June Partridge vs. Trevor Johnson

No chance Trev…well, slight chance, but nope.  She’s my wife.  I can scratch places in front of her that don’t gross her out.

Winner – June Partridge

Dave Marr vs. Pam Crete

Pam has some serious game, but Dave has more.  You should see where the guy gets his hair cut.  His barber is cooler than Pam and Pam is pretty cool.

Winner – Dave

Ian Partridge vs. Danielle Japp-Teeter

Ian is a pilot.  Danielle makes out with my friend John.  Ian wins.

Winner – Ian Partridge

Betzy Simon-Feldman vs. Shannon Wilkins

Betzy’s just our favorite so we don’t need reasons to advance her.

Winner – Betz

Kevin Bergquist vs. Jennifer Sutherland

I panicked when I saw this match-up, but then I used my super secret elimination formula and Jenn lost.  The formula is basically who will I see first after the match.

Winner – Kevin

Caitlin Bestard vs. Meredith Byers

Two of my most favorite girls on the planet, but only one can advance…since Caitlin went to school in Ohio she loses.

Winner – Meredith

Bill Garnet vs. Kaylen Denning

Kaylen Denning is a runaway train.  She’s pregnant and in the middle of building a new house while living in a rat infested piece of crap old one.  She’s incapable of bullshit.  Good luck beating out a pregnant, angry woman. Bill will need a helmet.

Winner – Kaylen Denning

Lindsay Sutherland vs. Mary Ann Sterling

Good thing she’s a doctor cause Lindz is gonna need help piecing herself back together.  No contest.  M.A. is the shizzle.

Winner – Mary Ann

Jamie Begley vs. Brian Lee

Jamie may have drawn the easiest path in this tournament, and thus far he’s taking advantage of it.  Hollywood is no match for a man who drinks “Ex,” spends every waking moment at the cottage, and BBQs like a boss.  Brian Lee just got thrown back overboard.

Winner – Jamie

Sue Vershum vs. Anetter Nossiter

Sue should dismantle Anette, but she doesn’t.  If Netta loses she needs therapy.  Sue’s a tough cookie and knows how much I love her. 

Winner – Anette

Aimee Saling-Bergquist vs. Denise Hart

Denise’s husband is a cop, so the wise choice is Denise, but the nostalgic, sentimental one is Aimee.  I’ll take the tickets.  Aimee’s cool.

Winner - Aimee

Paul and Jody Dickinson vs. Anne Crowe McNaughton

Anne is like a ninja, a ninja that likes to cook with curry and read books, and make excuses for husband.  Paul and Jody are like the two people who’d help you bury a dead body, except Paul would complain the whole time, and Jody’d end up hitting him with the shovel and then we’d have to bury two bodies.  Who needs all that hassle?

Winner – Anne

Pete Johnston vs. Emily Durnin

Emily is like a puppy gif floating around the internet.  Just kinda awesome.

Winner – Emily

Steve Davidson vs. Robin Donahue

Steve should run rough shod over everyone in his path but Robin takes no sh!t from anyone so…

Winner – Robin

Scotty Campbell vs. Holly Imrie

I love Holly.  I love Scotty.  I love The New York Knicks too but they lose all the time.

Winner – Scotty

Beth Lyons vs. Serree Gougeon-Wainman

Nice match up Beth.  You’re f#c&ed.

Winner – Serree

Heather Cooper vs. Scott Cooper

Scott writes mamby pamby, catchy pop songs…Heather eats pop songs for breakfast and shits out awesome kids.

Winner – Heather

Stu McNaughton vs. Kelly Wellman

There’s a reason we call him Stunami.

Winner – Stu

D-Funk vs. Virginia

Wayne Gretzky versus, well, anyone, circa 1985.

Winner – D-Funk

Bruce Madej vs. Tara Preston

HAHAHAHA…I’d pay ten thousand dollars to see this.  I bet Tara fights dirty, and Bruce complains to the ref a lot.

Winner – Bruce

Michelle O’Keefe vs. Karli Petit

Take the 1992 Toronto Blue Jays and have them play this year’s Little League World Series Champ and that’s this.

Winner – Michelle

Kristin Verhaeghe vs. John Teeter

Gloves off, stick down she challenged the Chiefs…Johnny’s got loads of game, and Kristin just can’t check him.

Winner –John

Ally Cooper vs. Arvin Kim

Arvin is some tough competition but Ally has a Tumblr site.  Get in the 21st Century Arv.

Winner – Ally

John Paul vs. Luke Doering

Michigan’s Head Lacrosse Coach versus the guy that introduced me to the Puslinch Burger.

Winner – Luke

Emily Wallace vs. Dennis and Mary Cooper

Dennis is like a second father to me, if you’re father used to steal your bike and get drunk with his friends at your house when he was supposed to be watching you.

Winner – Dennis and Mary

Mel Cowger vs. Chantelle Finley

Mel is a tornado of awesomeness and Chantelle is a flood of awesomeness. I can swim.

Winner – Mel

Mike White vs. Merle Dyce

Mike beats Merle because I said so, and also because I think in a real life death match he’d be wearing Merle’s face for a hat. 

Winner –Mike

Lori Hooper vs. Nadine Harrison

‘Dine is just about as formidable an opponent as you can imagine, and I can imagine a lot of things.

Winner – Nadine

Mel Wayland vs. Reece DeWagner

Do you go to hell if you eliminate your nephew but keep your tattoo artist?

Winner – Mel

Avery DeWagner vs. Andrew Cooper

You can’t beat the best person I know Avery.  You just can’t, no matter how much I love you.

Winner – Andrew

Kevin Vandendool vs. Juneau Robbins

In real life, Kevin could so totally kick a chiropractor’s ass.

Winner – Kevin

Jimmy Young vs. Erin Roxworthy

Erin is a Cubs fan and she’s lovely.  I gave Jimmy a nickname the first day I met him.

Winner - Jimmy


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