Another Round Down...
And another round is down in the Facebook Elimination Death Match Tournament...and it's still the dumbest thing I've ever done.
June Partridge vs. Trevor Johnson
No chance Trev…well, slight chance, but nope. She’s my wife. I can scratch places in front of her that don’t gross her out.
Winner – June Partridge
Dave Marr vs. Pam Crete
Pam has some serious game, but Dave has more. You should see where the guy gets his hair cut. His barber is cooler than Pam and Pam is pretty cool.
Winner – Dave
Ian Partridge vs. Danielle Japp-Teeter
Ian is a pilot. Danielle makes out with my friend John. Ian wins.
Winner – Ian Partridge
Betzy Simon-Feldman vs. Shannon Wilkins
Betzy’s just our favorite so we don’t need reasons to advance her.
Winner – Betz
Kevin Bergquist vs. Jennifer Sutherland
I panicked when I saw this match-up, but then I used my super secret elimination formula and Jenn lost. The formula is basically who will I see first after the match.
Winner – Kevin
Caitlin Bestard vs. Meredith Byers
Two of my most favorite girls on the planet, but only one can advance…since Caitlin went to school in Ohio she loses.
Winner – Meredith
Bill Garnet vs. Kaylen Denning
Kaylen Denning is a runaway train. She’s pregnant and in the middle of building a new house while living in a rat infested piece of crap old one. She’s incapable of bullshit. Good luck beating out a pregnant, angry woman. Bill will need a helmet.
Winner – Kaylen Denning
Lindsay Sutherland vs. Mary Ann Sterling
Good thing she’s a doctor cause Lindz is gonna need help piecing herself back together. No contest. M.A. is the shizzle.
Winner – Mary Ann
Jamie Begley vs. Brian Lee
Jamie may have drawn the easiest path in this tournament, and thus far he’s taking advantage of it. Hollywood is no match for a man who drinks “Ex,” spends every waking moment at the cottage, and BBQs like a boss. Brian Lee just got thrown back overboard.
Winner – Jamie
Sue Vershum vs. Anetter Nossiter
Sue should dismantle Anette, but she doesn’t. If Netta loses she needs therapy. Sue’s a tough cookie and knows how much I love her.
Winner – Anette
Aimee Saling-Bergquist vs. Denise Hart
Denise’s husband is a cop, so the wise choice is Denise, but the nostalgic, sentimental one is Aimee. I’ll take the tickets. Aimee’s cool.
Winner - Aimee
Paul and Jody Dickinson vs. Anne Crowe McNaughton
Anne is like a ninja, a ninja that likes to cook with curry and read books, and make excuses for husband. Paul and Jody are like the two people who’d help you bury a dead body, except Paul would complain the whole time, and Jody’d end up hitting him with the shovel and then we’d have to bury two bodies. Who needs all that hassle?
Winner – Anne
Pete Johnston vs. Emily Durnin
Emily is like a puppy gif floating around the internet. Just kinda awesome.
Winner – Emily
Steve Davidson vs. Robin Donahue
Steve should run rough shod over everyone in his path but Robin takes no sh!t from anyone so…
Winner – Robin
Scotty Campbell vs. Holly Imrie
I love Holly. I love Scotty. I love The New York Knicks too but they lose all the time.
Winner – Scotty
Beth Lyons vs. Serree Gougeon-Wainman
Nice match up Beth. You’re f#c&ed.
Winner – Serree
Heather Cooper vs. Scott Cooper
Scott writes mamby pamby, catchy pop songs…Heather eats pop songs for breakfast and shits out awesome kids.
Winner – Heather
Stu McNaughton vs. Kelly Wellman
There’s a reason we call him Stunami.
Winner – Stu
D-Funk vs. Virginia
Wayne Gretzky versus, well, anyone, circa 1985.
Winner – D-Funk
Bruce Madej vs. Tara Preston
HAHAHAHA…I’d pay ten thousand dollars to see this. I bet Tara fights dirty, and Bruce complains to the ref a lot.
Winner – Bruce
Michelle O’Keefe vs. Karli Petit
Take the 1992 Toronto Blue Jays and have them play this year’s Little League World Series Champ and that’s this.
Winner – Michelle
Kristin Verhaeghe vs. John Teeter
Gloves off, stick down she challenged the Chiefs…Johnny’s got loads of game, and Kristin just can’t check him.
Ally Cooper vs. Arvin Kim
Arvin is some tough competition but Ally has a Tumblr site. Get in the 21st Century Arv.
Winner – Ally
John Paul vs. Luke Doering
Michigan’s Head Lacrosse Coach versus the guy that introduced me to the Puslinch Burger.
Winner – Luke
Emily Wallace vs. Dennis and Mary Cooper
Dennis is like a second father to me, if you’re father used to steal your bike and get drunk with his friends at your house when he was supposed to be watching you.
Winner – Dennis and Mary
Mel Cowger vs. Chantelle Finley
Mel is a tornado of awesomeness and Chantelle is a flood of awesomeness. I can swim.
Winner – Mel
Mike White vs. Merle Dyce
Mike beats Merle because I said so, and also because I think in a real life death match he’d be wearing Merle’s face for a hat.
Lori Hooper vs. Nadine Harrison
‘Dine is just about as formidable an opponent as you can imagine, and I can imagine a lot of things.
Winner – Nadine
Mel Wayland vs. Reece DeWagner
Do you go to hell if you eliminate your nephew but keep your tattoo artist?
Winner – Mel
Avery DeWagner vs. Andrew Cooper
You can’t beat the best person I know Avery. You just can’t, no matter how much I love you.
Winner – Andrew
Kevin Vandendool vs. Juneau Robbins
In real life, Kevin could so totally kick a chiropractor’s ass.
Winner – Kevin
Jimmy Young vs. Erin Roxworthy
Erin is a Cubs fan and she’s lovely. I gave Jimmy a nickname the first day I met him.
Winner - Jimmy