The Zoey Blog: Feigning Gay...a ridiculous story of quick goat thinking. FINAL - COVER UNIVERSE EXPLORERS ORDER

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Feigning Gay...a ridiculous story of quick goat thinking.

I couldn't resist. I was partly angry, partly astonished, and at least three quarters interested in teaching someone a lesson. Getting treated like some sort of expert these days has freed me from my usual temperament of win over and then work over, and has allowed me my opinion with very few questions to follow it. I can be a bit of an anchor when I'm offended, certain of something, or eager to achieve a certain this or that. Today I was all three.

When the counselor stepped from her meeting with the young man that she squirmed her way into interviewing, a young man with a issue or two saved up in his pocket, she made several bold assertions based on a 45 minute conversation with a wildly smart young man, but the boldest may have been her departing comment about, "...wanting to explore some issues of sexuality," with him when she returned. What? Needless to say I sat up with my seatbelt fastened and my chair in the full upright position, and we exchanged "opinions" in a back and forth volley that left the Principal dizzy. If she could have rushed home and grabbed her two degrees off of the wall she certainly would have, but instead she simply did her best to bully me into accepting her ubiquitous knowledge about youth, and apparently gender identity. When it was all said and done she was insisting that the young man was gay and not owning it and I had goaded her into subtly acknowledging my apparently obvious and hilariously defining masculine qualities (???) and then sucker punched her with the news that her gaydar was sh!t because I was gay.

That's right, I said that I was gay and she fell speechless. She stumbled to regroup but I kept the punches coming. There was no way that she was talking to that young man about such things unless he himself brought them up, and that the damage that she might inflict on this kid's trust in someone at his school would be irreparable etc... glorious-flurry-of-blurred-punches-etc... When it was all over she slinked out the door. I had spoken with her supervisor, suddenly and strangely a peer of mine now, and explained what had happened. She was fairly furious that such a leap had nearly been made and had intentions of meeting her pseudo-genius counselor at her office door. I was a little worried about revealing my tactics but after a moment of quiet processing, in which I felt some pretty weighty panic rising, she laughed out loud.

"You told her that you were gay!?" She was floored at the audacity but wildly amused. Frankly, I was too.

"Yup," I flubbed, "but it totally worked. She won't be talking to him again," I added.

"Oh my, she laughed. "You realize that you're now going to have to remain a gay man as far as she's concerned."

"Yeah," I responded. "I thought about that."

So now there's at least one arrogant lady out there who thinks that I'm gay, but there's one struggling kid who's never going to have to talk to her again. Win.


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