White Weather & Wooly Sweaters

Dear Winter

I've grown tired of you, of your runny noses and coughing fits, of your icy North winds, thick socks, and frozen fingers . I'm tired of dry skin, and dry noses and and wet hemlines on my pants. I've grown weary of your dark mornings and early evenings, of your cold floors and heating bills. You're awfully high maintenance Winter, terribly high maintenance, and nobody likes a high maintenance friend. You require attention to detail - a blanket packed in the car, candles, a shovel, extra gloves, a hat - and you demand respect where most friends would much rather just choose to dole that stuff out at their own discretion. You don't even give us the chance to choose. I want friends that I can decide whether or not I want to respect them, because they've earned my attention, not just simply absconded with it.

I'd like to say that there are parts of you that I enjoy, but there aren't many, certainly not enough to merit listing here. You're just not that fun anymore. If there were a mountain right here in my backyard, sure, or if you're wily ways could be counted on to be relatively consistent, but they aren't and so you can never be depended upon. You're flat out unreliable and then simultaneously punishing for those of us forgetful of your frightfully fickle ways. You're kind of just a prick, at least around here, at this longitude and this altitude. Your vindictive, unrepentant, unforgiving, uninventive...you deliver the same heinous goods each and every year, with very little regard to variety or uniqueness. Truth be told, it's all getting so, so old. You flash us some blue sky, maybe offer us a few windless, warm days, and then whip in with your warped sense of humor. No wonder you're never invited to any of our parties. I wouldn't want you at my party. You're a jerk.

If you could find it in your cold, cruel heart to spare us the torture that the next month or so typically delivers it would be an incredible gesture towards reconciling with us, towards mending relationships, and building trust. In case you weren't paying attention, it's just a few short weeks until Spring anyway, and why leave on such bad terms. Like most people, I get excited for white weather and wooly sweaters each and every Autumn, but not the way you've been behaving of late. You're just being selfish, and I'm nearly through with you. Trust me, you don't want to spend December through February alone. It makes for a miserable experience. Lighten up and solicit some kindness every now and again, why don't you? In fact, why don't you start right now? Throw us a bone, limp on off into March and fizzle out a good couple weeks early and see just how excited we all are to see you again next year. It's an easy equation...you treat us right and we treat you right. It's not so hard.

This was a good talk. I hope that we can still be friends when it's all said and done, but I've gotta be honest, if you're hell bent on punishing us for six or seven more weeks then I'm done with you. I'll go find a new friend.

Keep well...you selfish son-of-a-b!%#h. Thanks for your time.

Brian