Turds of the world unite...and then leave me alone

As I type this I’m listening to a couple of dorks talk “jail” in their best whitey gangsta verbiage outside of my office…I totally just heard the phrase, “Prosecutors are always dicks,” to which I nearly blurted, “No sh!t ,” and hit one of them over the head with some brains and perspective. Half of the duo was sent away for possession of a gun and some Molotov Cocktails while the other is a little turd who sells dime bags and knocks teenage girls up for fun. Both are shining examples of the failure of parenting, society’s institutions, and genetics. They annoy me.

Similarly my office has been regularly overrun by teachers on the lam from responsibility this afternoon and between listening to conversations about how one of the teachers once knocked an old grey-haired man out after a hockey brawl spread into the stands, and run ins with random strippers I’m just about done with turds for the day. The ironic thing has been that they’ve been overflowing from both ends of the socio-economic spectrum this afternoon, jailbirds and educators alike and its mind boggling. I guess douche baggery knows no bounds.

I’m going to go home, hug my wife and daughter and enjoy my Friday night plenty in case Saturday sucks pudding. It very well could with Buckeye Nation invading Ann Arbor by the no toothed truckload. Funny that even as I complain about turds it happens to be Ohio State weekend when turds are in abundance, all decked out in scarlet and grey. The whole thing has inspired me to make a list of some of the things that I will find generally repulsive in any boy Zoey brings home…

Please, please, don’t ever bring a Buckeye home. They’re arrogant and rude and so generally off-putting that congeniality would be tough. Bring home a Spartan, I couldn’t care less. I don’t hate Sparty…I don’t enjoy myself some Sparty but I’m not opposed to someone dressed tastefully in green and white. Tom Izzo is amazing, and Magic Johnson was a Spartan, Kirk Gibson too, so I could handle it, but a Buckeye? No.

Avoid both football and hockey players. I played hockey, a lot of it actually, and I know first hand what those guys are made of…turds approximately 70% of the time. Football players are worse. Sure there are good ones in the bunch, but remember the 70:30 split if you wanna remain turd free. It’s easy math Zo…basically, if there are ten hockey players in a room and you can obviously recognize three nice ones and none of them are there with you, you’re hanging with the wrong guy.

Cops, Bouncers, Phys. Ed. Teachers, Lead Singers, Volleyball Players, and some Farmers. Turds…all of ‘em. No need to explain further, just take my word for it.

Guys who drive giant pick-up trucks, stupid little almost sports cars, or crotch-rocket type motorcycles. Turd, turd, and turd…unequivocally, without debate.

Guys with subscriptions to Maxim magazine. At least Playboy has a history of literary credibility, Maxim actually makes you dumber. I understand that young men have libidos…but add a brain to the mixture and I’ll respect you more.

Criminals. Uhmmm, obviously.

There’s probably a dozen more but that’s what floats to the top of my head. Be a decent guy and I’ll let you in the door. I’m completely willing to accept your Joe Average guy flaws, but if you reside anywhere in the “Turd Spectrum” (see below) then please, leave my daughter alone.



I'm sure that there can be some anamolies, admittedly there are good people throughout the "turd spectrum" but the odds are decidedly stacked against them. It's wise to steer clear of hockey parents and high school football coaches etc... unless, of course, you are able to deflect the bulk of their turdness. I just hope that Zo can escape the clutches of the turds. They eventually intersect with all of our paths. It just seems particularly weird that so many intersected with my office this afternoon.