The Zoey Blog: Conundrum is an awfully big word...and 6 ft is an awfully big wave FINAL - COVER UNIVERSE EXPLORERS ORDER

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Conundrum is an awfully big word...and 6 ft is an awfully big wave

SUP Waikiki

So here's the conundrum, awfully big word or not.

To surf or not to surf, it seems that is the question. Sounds like it really shouldn't be something that you debate or endure any kind of inner monologue for but so it is. See, everywhere you look there's surfing, and unfortunately every haole ever is getting in on the game. You can hear the locals talk and laugh, and who really wants to go there. Well, I do for thats not my problem so much as the other mitigating factors...

First, salt water tastes like great big bowls of sh!t...

Second, your gonna suck, and your gonna suck for awhile

Third, when you suck you end up pooping out salt water for days. I'm not kidding.

Fourth, you gotta pay somebody to do all that sucking and pooping of salt water AND your mouth tastes like a McDonalds french fry tray except without all that McDonaldsy goodness.

Lastly, I'm here for a month and I can't pay to do it for a month nor can I bring those skills home, AND I absolutely loathe those people who live in southwestern Ontario and talk about how they loved surfing so much and blah blah be blah blah....Those people are gits.

So, I may compromise.

I've enjoyed the notion of stand up paddling for quite awhile much because Chris Chelios says it's the best workout ever as the fact that here in Hawaii it's the original form of surfing and cool as hell. Now THAT I could bring back to Lake Huron and my own backyard and have a blast all the Quiksilver board shorts or fake shaka handshake required....and far less salt water coming out of me rectum.

Don't get me wrong...I love the notion of surfing, but it just makes no sense to pay to get drilled and have the experience be absolutely a once off. And learning here in Hawaii does nothing for you in San Clemente come this December, or Cocoa Beach come March, or any other damn trip you take between now and forever. It sure as hell doesn't help you in your own backyard. Surfing is one of those things that you have to do regularly to be even remotely competent at. Plus, I'm haole enough without the giant 12 ft rubber surf board (6'3" and 250 lbs requires a space shuttle of a surf board so add that behemoth backslap to the mix). I'm a confident enough guy that I can drench myself in this culture and love every second of it but not need to tell you how hardcpre the waves were brah...that's #$%@king embarrassing when guys do that.

So SUP it is I think...I'll pay the bucks and then see what I can work out for the rest of the month and if it's reasonable then I'll be drifting around each and every day...if it's not, I'll be boogie boarding with the rest of the twelve year olds...

It's funny to hear people talk. This isn't Lake Erie man...this is the Pacific Ocean! There are undertows and rips and currents flip flopping all over the place...maybe I'll post some video. The surf has been big here all 6 ft right here in Waikiki...which is huge. If you don't think 6 ft is huge when you're out floating in it then you're stoned. Waikiki is as safe a beach as any to try surfing but not when it's 6 ft...sure, they'll rent you a board...and sure, they'll take you out, and yes, they'll put you somewhere safe, but there's a reason there's lifeguards on the beach...lifeguards cruising the breaks in Jet skis, and Life guards out in the line up on boards themselves...because it's the ocean, and if you get pulled under here you don't resurface until Alaska.


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