The Zoey Blog: What exactly is a Samsquench? FINAL - COVER UNIVERSE EXPLORERS ORDER

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What exactly is a Samsquench?

The Samsquencher

What exactly is a Samsquench? Are you serious? The Samsquench is practically infamous...practically, which seems kind of impossible to achieve, right? Wrong...Samsquench has managed it.

The Samsquench or 'Squencher if you're not into that whole brevity thing, is an alleged baby-like creature purportedly inhabiting condos and forests, mainly in the Metropolitan Toronto area and Georgian Bay region of North America. Samsquench is usually described as a large, almost hairless, bipedal humanoid type child. Many believers in his existence contend that the same or similar creatures are found around the world under different regional names, but within tighter communities of Samsquench followers it is believed that there is only one solitary Samsquench.

The scientific community considers the 'Squencher to be a just a plain old human baby, and that the overwhelming bulk of Samsquench lore is largely misidentification, and hoaxes. Despite the repudiation of the Samsquench legend by science, it is one of the more famous examples of the kind of impressive immaturity and abuse of the English language that Brian DeWagner is capable of.

What exactly defines a Samsquench?

He squeals, pretty loudly, in fact.

A Samsquench always looks killer in a stylish button down onesie.

Samsquenches almost always enjoy a good visit or party provided he doesn't have to drive to get there.

Samsquenches don't like cars much.

Your average Samsquench, which very well could be the only Samsquench ever, likes to steal socks.

A Samsquench enjoys eating blueberry grossness after his carrots grossness.

A Samsquencher is capable of melting your heart with a single big eyed "I think I like you," kind of look followed by a smile and a poop sound.

Samsquenchers almost assuredly make for good adventuring partners.

Any Samsquench worth his salt knows how to keep you awake at night.

Lastly, it is widely presumed that a Samsquench has no less than four priorities consuming him at the same time. They are easily distracted.

If you spot a Samsquench you'll know it. Do your best to snap a pic or grab some video. He's an illusive fella but your efforts would be sure to benefit the greater scientific community. Oh, and keep your fingers and toes a safe distance away from his mouth...not so much your toes 'cause that's just gross, but your fingers for sure. Them 'Squenchers can get pretty hungry.


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