The Zoey Blog: Perspective bending and “Jeffersons” reference FINAL - COVER UNIVERSE EXPLORERS ORDER

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Perspective bending and “Jeffersons” reference

I think we will call her “Weezie,” like on the Jeffersons, only she’s not black and it’s certainly not 1979 New York. Little Zoey is a laugh a minute, I mean, when she’s not sleeping. You should hear this little girl cry. It’s fairly muted, not a wail by any means, but when she gets upset she weezes. I mean it…the kid squeaks. She’s got this hilarious cry that is comprised of exhale/muffled outrage and then inhale/ridiculous weeze type squeek thing. It’s the funniest noise I’ve ever heard.

This first day of parenthood has been full of fun revelations. First, June’s STILL a champ. She’s got some serious swelling going on, enough to make nurses gasp and whenever they ask her for meds or ice etc…she offers a cool shrug and a, “whatever,” it’s incredible.

Brian is responsible for purchasing an inflatable donut today, and Epsom salts. It’s not all that thrilling but whatever he can do to help the team. At this point he’s comin’ in off the bench in relief of the starters. I always thought that the relief job was a beauty one anyway. To be completely accurate it’s probably a lot more like middle relief…you know, work a few innings after the starter…set up the closer. At this point I’m well aware that June is both starter and closer.

What else has Day 1 taught us about our little girl…

She loves the left boob but thinks the right one is no more attractive than a pre-ProActive thirteen year old with a half ‘stache. She’ll fuss like it was her job whenever Junie tries to get her to pay some attention to le boob gauche but chuck her over to the droite tit and she’s tickled senseless. I dunno?

She works her ass off to focus on things. She hears things and her eyes go searching for what surely is a grey blob but a noisy grey blob nonetheless and she’s bent on seeing whatever it was that made that strange noise. She’s a pretty quiet little girl so far but she loves checkin’ out the scene. We’re not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing just yet. But to put that in perspective we’re not very sure at all about anything we’re doing, so who are we to say good or bad…it could both, right?

We’ve been spoiled thus far by this little girl. She’s really only gotten upset twice and both times were when she had to feed and she didn’t really want to. She likes to sleep and five hours can go by without her wanting anything. That’s cool for us but not cool in nutritional terms. Right now she likes June rocking when she feeds her and boy you better be talking to her or she’s done. She might be the kind of baby that likes being talked to and if that’s the case she’s lucky she’s got the Dad that she has. It’s probably good for all of you too because Dad will be so talked out that he’ll just shut the hell up in social situations…Probably not but it was a thought.

June’s a klepto. She’s stealing everything that’s not nailed down around here. I’m gonna turn her in when we leave…maybe see if there’s a reward?

She hasn’t fussed in the arms of another yet which is inspiring mucho confidence in Mom and Dad. She has, however, not met Uncle Brad yet at which point his booming voice will shock her into a mild cacophony. At least, that’s what we’re betting on.

We both think she’s missing her Aunt Netta already. It’s obvious (and so is this ploy for Aunt Netta to keep buying her crap).

We had the talk earlier today about two of the world’s most heinous and evil entities in the New York Yankees and the Ohio State Buckeyes. I think she gets it. She also thinks that Michigan State hockey players are brutes but I’m not sure where she got that from. She’s very committed to that idea and so we’re not gonna waste our time rooting out the source.

When little Zoey gets to snackin’ she’s good for about 15 minutes of fun. Well, the term fun is relative. June’s elated in the most painful kind of way elation can manifest itself.

The compliments keep comin’…mostly from our midwives, Cynthia and Christine, but from nurses and everyone else too. June’s a consensus All-American in everyone’s eyes so far, just smiling and all easy going cool and collected. It knocks me over.

Every day is going to be like this I’m sure. We’re excited about the, ”Hey, that’s new,” nature of our everydays from now on. It seems incredible that our entire future is now about noticing things, about paying attention to stuff that you just assume about the world and everyone in it. Everything seems to imprint itself on your mind. Like what? Like this stuff:

First song I heard after Zoey’s birth…”Black Magic Woman” by Santana

Actual conversation I overheard between June and Zoey:

“I shouldn’t be sitting flat on my bum ‘cause I’ve got hemorrhoids.”
Strange cooing and gurgly noises
“I know you don’t know what a hemorrhoid is right now and that’s funny because they’re all your fault.”
Gurgle gurgle and quiet indifference.

Wow, this ride is gonna be hilarious…It’s like we’ve got our very own perspective bender now, to use at our own discretion or in times of need. Pretty awesome, if you had to buy one for yourself it’d be pretty expensive I think.


Blogger Colin said...

I am not a father. I know pretty much nothing about raising a child, but I HAVE seen Field of Dreams so I offer this piece of advice. Push her away from being a Yankee fan but do it all subtle like. The last thing you want is for her to start liking them because you hate them so much, and it would be a shame not to play catch with your daughter unless she builds a baseball field in the middle of her corn crop to bring you back from the dead. All the while your granddaughter is choking on a hot dog, which is a tragedy as she is probably the only kid in 2nd grade that knows who Shoeless Joe Jackson is. Like I said, I don't know a thing about raising a child, but this is the one thing I'd want to avoid.

January 28, 2009 at 8:07 PM  
Blogger Brian DeWagner said...

Good tips...'specially the hot dog and corn field thing.

January 28, 2009 at 10:23 PM  

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